Wednesday, November 05, 2003

Andy Rooney and His Little Liberal Turds of "Wisdom" on the War in Iraq

Last Sunday, we were subjected to the bilge that follows from possibly one of the most worthless commentators on television today -- Andy Rooney. I mean, what is this liberal bag of wind good for anyway? Although his crap at the end of 60 minutes is usually no more than trivial BS, this particular diatribe caught my attention because it sums up all the liberal vomit that is being spewed about our effort in Iraq in one tidy little Andy Rooney turd of "wisdom". Mr. Rooney's comments were so out of line and off the mark I felt they deserved a reponse. It appears right after the text of this bloated liberal gasbag's commentary. I tried to email it to the 60 Minutes Show in the form of a satirical complaint but, strangely, their email server doesn't seem to be working right. But CBS's mail servers have probably been pretty overloaded lately, what with all the comments surrounding their fictional account of the Reagan Presidency and Dan and Andy's usual strident liberal crap. And if I'm guessing correctly about the nature of the comments, they're probably not interested in getting the problem fixed any too soon.

Andy Rooney, 60 Minutes commentary, Sunday Nov. 2:

Years ago, I was asked to write a speech for President Nixon.

I didn't do that, but I wish President Bush would ask me to write a speech for him now.

Here's what I'd write if he asked me to - which is unlikely:

My fellow Americans - (the word "fellow" includes women in political speeches):

My fellow Americans. One of the reasons we invaded Iraq was because I suggested Saddam Hussein had something to do with the terrorist attack on the World Trade Center. No evidence that's so, I wish I hadn't said it.

I said we were going to get Saddam Hussein. To be honest, we don't know whether we got him or not. Probably not.

I said we'd get Osama bin Laden and wipe out al Qaeda. We haven't been able to do that, either. I'm as disappointed as you are.

I probably shouldn't have said Iraq had nuclear weapons. Our guys and the U.N. have looked under every bed in Iraq and can't find one.

In one speech, I told you Saddam Hussein tried to buy the makings of nuclear bombs from Africa. That was a mistake and I wish I hadn't said that. I get bad information sometimes just like you do.

On May 1, I declared major combat was over and gave you the impression the war was over. I shouldn't have declared that. Since then, 215 American soldiers have been killed in Iraq. As the person who sent them there, how terrible do you think that makes me feel?

I promised to leave no child behind when it comes to education. Then I asked for an additional $87 billion for Iraq. It has to come from somewhere. I hope the kids aren't going to have to pay for it - now in school or later when they're your age.

When I landed on the deck of the carrier, I wish they hadn't put up the sign saying MISSION ACCOMPLISHED. It isn't accomplished.

Maybe it should have been MISSION IMPOSSIBLE.

I've made some mistakes and I regret it. Let me just read you excerpts from something my father wrote five years ago in his book, “A World Transformed.�

I firmly believed we should not march into Baghdad ...To occupy Iraq would instantly shatter our coalition, turning the whole Arab world against us and make a broken tyrant, into a latter-day Arab hero …

This is my father writing this.

...assigning young soldiers to a fruitless hunt for a securely entrenched dictator and condemning them to fight in what would be an unwinnable urban guerrilla war.

We should all take our father's advice.

That's the speech I'd write for President Bush. No charge.

Steve Bowers' response:

I've never been asked to write a segment for Andy Rooney (he wouldn't want me to), but I'd like to.

If I were, I'd start out by saying "my name is Andy Rooney and I'm a doddering old fool who won't be on this earth for more than 15 years, tops. Why should it make any difference to me that our president is fighting a war on terror to make the world safe for the existence of freedom and life as we know it in this country?

From my selfish, old fart's perspective all the $87 billion in aid and money to prosecute the war on terror is is just another way of taking more of my sizeable fortune. Of course, I would heartily approve of this war if it was was being prosecuted by someone such as my buddy Bill Clinton for some justifiable reason like a diverting everyone's attention from the fact that I had oral sex in the Oval Office with someone who wasn't my wife. Instead, it's being prosecuted by an honest president who has a sincere desire to stop terrorism in its tracks and I just can't stomach that!)I'm too senile to realize that we actually ARE fighting for our very existence and $87 billion (or more) to preserve our great country and everything it stands for and assure that future generations don't have to live in fear of terror is well worth it.

I'm certainly old enough, but I'm again, either too senile or too stupid to remember what happened 70 years ago when the prevailing wisdom was that Adolf Hitler was just an isolated looney who couldn't possibly be of any harm to us. I'm so senile I can't remember just a few months back when President Bush outlined all the reasons we were going into Iraq of which weapons of mass destruction were but one of many.

I'm also too dumb to think that all the great catharsis we went through as a country for six months or better about whether we should take action against this despot didn’t give him plenty of time to hide or move his WMDs out of the country. Of course, I’m fully aware that this thug was a known sponsor of terror groups. And that he violated 18 United Nations resolutions over twelve years and slaughtered millions of his own people using chemical weapons that I and others like me don't believe he had – I’m just too blind or too stupid to care.

Yes, I'm Andy Rooney, the doddering, blind, stupid old fool. And I think the most interesting question of all is why CBS has kept me doing this ridiculous little circle jerk at the end of their popular news magazine. Because I am so obviously incapable of rational thought and should have been put out to pasture long ago. Then again, my commentary isn't the only thing about 60 Minutes that's a ridiculous circle jerk.

This is a segment I'd be happy to write for Andy Rooney!

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